Doubts, fears and hope….

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I wonder…. I wonder if …

How many times every day do those thoughts go through my head, I would say “if only”, if only things had been different, but I can guarantee that a friend and mentor would instantly pull me up on that and challenge me….

I cannot say “if only” because that shields me from the reality that is and allows me to make excuses for myself…

So I say I wonder, and in that statement I hold my doubts and fears, my doubts about the faith that has held me, and the fears that I may just have missed the point….

Every day they meet me, and at times they break my heart, while at other times they force me to hold on to my faith with a determination that I cannot begin to explain…

A faith that takes me to the garden where I dare to kneel with Jesus and pray through my doubts, pray that I might break through the haze of them and cling to my cross as he bids me to let go and follow…

I doubt my calling, I doubt my abilities, I doubt that I have the strength to make it through the day.

I fear that I will make yet another mistake…

I wonder if any of those things went through Jesus mind during Holy Week as he clung to the last few hours of his life while the disciples slept rather than watching with him and praying…

Sometimes I wonder how often I sleep through the day instead of engaging with it, and yet today I was both affirmed and encouraged in my life and work. Then again today has brought questions about humankinds inhumanity to humankind as we have watched the unfolding events in Brussels, and yet those questions should be raised everyday as seemingly smaller events unfold in all of our lives around the globe…

But there is hope, today I have also celebrated a life turned around, a tangiable, visible transformation because faith has been not only grsped but lived out…

Today I have offered prayer and seen it comfort those whose hearts are broken, though my words seemed insufficient God entered the space that was opened and touched us as we prayed…

There is hope and as I see and grasp it my doubts and fears fall in to proportion, they do not simply disipate, but they no longer have the hold they once had on me as I encounter yet again the living God who showed us the way through the dark valley as he knelt and prayed when all abandoned him…

I know that this week will end in rejoicing, but I also know that, that rejoicing was not easily won, it required of Jesus and requires of us a willingness to lay ourselves aside. We may not face the whip and crown of throns that he did, we may not know the horror of crucifixion, but we must come to know that we were counted worth the cost, and with that knowing should come a sober soul searching, and a willingness to give ourselves as a living sacrifice….

I do have doubts and fears, but they have not overwhelmed me to the point where hope is extinguished, and so I cling with all that I have to the love that meets me in the darkness, and walks me through the valley, and brings me out into a spacious place, setting my feet upon the rock…

In all of my wondering, in all of my doubts and fears I find that I am held, and in knowing that holding I can hold others in my prayers.

So I leave this blog post with this song, a song that has brought me much comfort in the darkness…

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About Sally C

How do I describe myself, I am not what I do, (I am a Methodist Minister), I am not who I am related to (I have 5 wonderful children, and 2 lovely granddaughters). I am a seeker truth, a partaker of life in all it's fullness and a follower, sometimes stumbling, sometimes celebrating of the Christian pathway. I seek wholeness, joy and a connectedness to all things through a deep reconciliation with the God whose love blows my socks off!
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