invitation – I will cover my wounds no longer….

Christmas, season of love and light, of possibilities,

God enfleshed, the impossible made possible,

here is my invitation,

come to the corner of my heart that I keep sealed,

for here I need new life,

a spark for the dark recess of my soul,

a flame to set me burning

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….oh I need that burning,

a fire to consume the dross I hide,

a fire to devour my self loathing,

a flame to transform the heartaches and heartbreaks I try to deny,

and the paralysing shame I mask to many….

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So I open my heart, and cry come,

come love come light, come holy possibility,

shine your love, in the burning, and help me to receive the word,

“these things will hold you no longer, they have no power when you call them out!”

So I call them “shame”, and I call them”self loathing”,

and I call them broken-hearted wounds”

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So come here is my invitation,

for only love will cast out fear…

I will cover up my wounds no longer…

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Darkness and death…(Holy Innocents)

This day no amount of light can block the darkness,

As the innocents call out,

Our blood is still on your hands…

Children still suffer,

Trapped terrified in war zones,

Abandoned in camps, caring for others when they need care,

Children are still abused, misused, forgotten…

Innocent lives are marketed and marked for ever…

Scars speak…

Blood is spilled…

Blood spilled is part of the story we tell…

The innocents call to us…

Speak up, speak out…

Darkness and death have entered the festival, so take the light you have,

Hold it in the darkness,

Til love overcomes for all…

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The witch…

If the witch doesn’t burn

What am I to do with her,

Do I fear her?

Do I hear her?

Am I her?

And if I am, what am I

Afraid of?

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If the witch doesn’t burn

I will hear her screaming through my dreaming…

Demanding to be let out,

To cast her magic…

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If the witch doesn’t burn,

If the witch doesn’t burn,

Maybe we will all be made whole….

Maybe…

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First Christmas ( after coming out) wish…

Let me be,

Who I am who I have always been..

Let me be…..

Let me be me …

Healing,

Becoming whole…

Let me be…

Not shaped by traditions,

By expectations,

By my own desire to be who you would have me be.

Please let me be…

Help me to be…

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Pilgrims…

So let’s be honest,

Sometimes our smiling photos

Hide another story,

Of fractured lives

Trying to make the best of things,

Of heartaches,

Of hidden tensions,

Words spoken and unspoken

Tell one story

And veil another,

Yet when we choose

To let love will win,

To let love overcome

And we are not hiding,

And when we choose life

As life has chosen us,

And when we see beyond the faults and flaws that irritate…

And bind each other carefully

Then healing begins,

And we travel together

Slowly becoming whole….

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Self care

I am being honest about the black dog,

Who is looming large in my life at this time…

And having refused to walk to heel

Has been growling, and prowling around …

So I have looked him in the face and accepted his presence…

Which has the effect of making him a little more bearable …

So I reach out and pat him on the head…

Choosing to care for myself

To eat properly,

To get some exercise,

To ask for help,

To say the rare words “No”, and “I can’t “….

So today, after picking up my meds, I bought myself some flowers….

Looked in the mirror and said to myself, you will be okay….

This too will pass…

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It's okay….

My dear soul,

you simply can’t do it all, nor can you be all things to all people, you are allowed to be exhausted, and to be honest you have had a lot on your plate. So take a break, rest and stop pushing yourself, it is okay sometimes not to be okay, and to let others care for you and bear the load.

Let’s be honest, you know that you can make some pretty poor decisions when you are low and stressed, and when you aren’t vigilant you can and have opted for some pretty shit coping mechanisms too. So time to stop, stop and breathe, take stock, put the burden down. Time to allow yourself to just be loved by those who love you, to be loved by God, who by the way needs nothing from you ( she really isn’t into performances), it is okay that you haven’t taken services, it is okay that you are not up to visiting, it just is okay!

Maybe what you need is a reminder of the vulnerability of the story you would be telling, of the uncertainties that lie within it, of the doubts and fears that were expressed as well as the wonder. There was no tinsel in Bethlehem that night, no twinkling lights, no cosy staged scenes. The shepherds were outcasts, visited by angels who had to tell them not to be afraid, angels tell a lot of people not to be afraid, it tends to be how they introduce themselves, pretty scary things angels!

The there are the Magi, strange characters, we have no real idea how many of them there were, though we are told about their gifts, strange gifts for a baby, but full of symbolism, though not such strange gifts for a king, a king born in such a strange place, a king, if he was a king who stirred up political turmoil right from the announcement of his arrival. Slaughter followed as a tyrant sought to remain a tyrant!

This is a strange story to tell to children, even though it is shot through with hope, with prophecy, promise and awe, give yourself a break, things have got you down, so don’t be afraid of just saying how things are for you at the moment, it’s okay because you are not okay. Maybe in just admitting how things are you will find the hope that lurks in the deep, where when you settle on the far side of where you feel you ought to be still love will find you, and her thoughts are towards you, she is not against you, so lean into her, and trust that there is nothing you can do, and nowhere you can go that will separate you from her…. and maybe, that is actually what the story is all about.

Be loved, for you are loved by the beloved.

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